I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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