So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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