You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
