your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
