U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
