You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I supernannyed him into submission
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize