dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
