Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
