So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
