it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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