Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
