why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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