i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
