he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
