We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
