He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
