ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
