did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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