Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
