Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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