I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
