I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hippo gnu deer
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
