Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
