Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
