Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
