If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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