i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
