He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger