My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.