my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
