She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
