Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
