so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
