glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
