M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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