I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
