Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
