I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
