Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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