i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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