She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Holy shit dude........stairs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
