But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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