I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
