yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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