I heard we made out
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
