If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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