I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
