You were right. It hurts to walk today.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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