No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
