did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
