when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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