I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
