Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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