omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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