my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
