I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize