Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
