Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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