that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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