Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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